Hey random guy in the inbox...this is for you

You know who you are.  I am not 100% sure exactly how your brain works...but I can not say I am not intrigued.  You stalk your prey like a wild animal, waiting for the perfect time to prowl. I can only speculate on how it goes, but I imagine it goes something like this...

You are scrolling along and see a post from a cute girl...15 likes.  4 comments from really cute girls that are friends with said cute girl.  You click on one...3 minutes later it will not scroll anymore so you go back and send a request.  You like a couple of profile pics to get seen in the notifications, maybe drop a couple of winky or heart eye faces under some selfies...you know...be seen.

Said girl...either denies or accepts your friend request.  Either way...you will probably not stray far from this story line I am sure.

You send a message...Usually something like "hey" or "hey girl" or "your butiful"...something to that effect.  It will go unanswered, so you will follow up with  something related to the post she just made 2 minutes ago "You are so funny, I never thought of tacos that way ha ha" She will read it...and not respond. Maybe it is because your page is full of misspelled words.  Maybe it is because she sees you on every single post made by a life form with a vagina.  Maybe it is because you have married as your status. It could be that she is only 15 and you are in your 30s.  Who knows why? We do not.  All we know is it happens. You know it does. So this is the critical part of this letter...Where I ask for a response.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY you keep messaging?  After the ignored comments, ignored messages, total deflection...what keeps the motivation? This is where you guys push it to the limit.

First off...do NOT facebook call girls you do not know.  This is the ULTIMATE LEVEL OF CREEPINESS and there is NO return. Second...DO NOT send random SELFIES. Not even on SNAPCHAT unless we are actually chatting like that, bro. It is so weird. We do not understand it and it is not attractive. Third thing...dick pics.  The fact that this has to be said is really disturbing, but I am sure every pretty girl has had one of these guys...and every one of you creeps that reads this and deep down know it's for you...have been this guy at least once, I am sure. SO...really quickly. Creeps of the interwebs...DO NOT I repeat DO NOT send a picture of your penis to ANYONE who does not specifically say "Please send me a picture of your dick." We do not like this and, again, not attractive. Usually not impressive either.
Next thing...is how you guys handle being ignored.  Your response is to, what?  Keep messaging? Why?  If I ignore more than 3 messages from you over the course of a day or 2... do you think that messaging me 26 times more...which I open and do not reply to... is somehow magically going to make me want to message back?  Like OH snap! He sent the magic number of messages! This is the one! Number 27! I can reply FINALLY! Someone passed the test! NOPE. Does not happen. You are probably already being laughed at by a group of her friends.

If you find yourself creepily creeping on facebook and instagram, liking random girls pictures, always hitting up every female name with a green dot by it on messenger with a "can I ask you a question" or "hey girl" "Are you single?"...STOP. Think about what you are doing.  If you in any way think you might be creepery...it is not too late.  Just sign out and get a hobby.  Go to a strip club.  Something.  Just quit being a creep. That is all.

Have a nice day!

To the girl who gets my kids father

I know what he says. He loves his kids, his baby mommas are crazy. That is why he does not see them often.  He does have a cute smile huh? Makes it easy to believe what he says.  Well really, he ignores my kid...basically because I will not put out.  He has you for that right?  That is why he answers when you call...but not when his child calls.  Oh trust me...I have been in your shoes.  The charm is adorable and great...the game is almost flawless am I right?  I helped him perfect that I am sure.  He comes along, taking you out to eat, buying you things...it is nice right?  I bet you have so much fun on you guys little dates and adventures!

Did he tell you about last Thursday? His kid sent him a text from my phone.  Said "I miss you daddy, I love you."  He never texted back...were yall busy?  I saw where you went to dinner the other night...

Yesterday I got a letter saying he is $358 behind in child support so far this year.  He is only supposed to pay $45 a week...but it is ok.  I know he does not have time to work, what with you guys spending so much time together and all! I would never try to put myself of my kid in the way of your happiness!  That would just be down right selfish!

Besides, I can not blame you girl! I know how nice it is to get the attention.  He will act like he is all about you...spend his time with you, spend his money on you...make you think he doesn't have anything else to worry about except you! I am pretty sure this kid keeps trying to get ahold of him when he is clearly busy.  That is not your fault. Like Monday before last?  His kiddo was sick...sent him a BUNCH of texts...emojis...cute little selfies...he did not ever text back...I am sure you were busy.  I would hate to interrupt you guys special time together for his child to get a little "Hey, love you too baby" back. It's ok though.  I handled it like a pro!

Anyway, if you read this... tonight while you guys are cuddling, could you do me a favor? Ask him how his kids are. All of them. Mine, the other girls', all of them.  Tell him he should be able to answer that... do you like being the girl that gets more attention that his children?  Is this your idea or are you clueless to this shadiness?  Oh well...it's ok.  I take care of this child just fine on my own I guess.  Just thought I would try to...I don't know...get the word out.

Thank you for your time.

Dear fast food worker girl who is obviously too good for her job

I get it.  I worked fast food. It is hell! GIRL believe me I know!  What I do not know, is where in your pretty little head you worked out that today was the right day to be a bitch to me.  That is what I do not know...

When I pulled up and I asked for no lettuce, I was not aware I was ruining your day! I am so sorry! What in the heavens is wrong with me? Here I am, pulling up to the drive thru, asking for food, adding instructions, like I am the only one in the world with problems! THE NERVE.

So that is why I TOTALLY understand your attitude when you handed me my drink.  I tasted it, and no, I was right, it was diet. Now, I do not like diet Coke at all. It tastes horrible.  However, now I understand that I should have just bit my toungue and drank it.  Why did I even ask you to give me regular Coke?  Like, I paid for it or something. Do I now know you have more important things to do than to give me the right soda? Lord have mercy I am awful.

And as for my order! Oh man I know that was not your fault. No I saw that you did not put "no lettuce" in the computer like every other drive thru person ever in the history of this establishment has done before you...but I am sure you told someone or at least sent a wave length brain wave to someone letting them know what was up.  That is why I was not even mad when I said "This was supposed to have no lettuce".  This was totally the cook and my fault. Not yours dear girl.  So I totally deserved the eye roll you gave as you took the food from me to get me the right thing.  That rude attitude you threw my way was also well deserved.  I should be ashamed of myself.

I am lucky this was just a small incident!  It could have been worse. Could you imagine if I had asked for sauce or something? UGH I bet you can not STAND those people huh?  Well, I guess I should be going now!  Let you get back to your job! Have a great day and thank you for all you do!

Your loyal customer.