Toxic Friend part 2 is for a special friend....."PS...did you know?"

I though I said it all. I thought I got it all off my chest in the first letter.  I wrote it to all the toxic people in my life so far, but you...you are special for some reason.  I feel like I could save you if I try.  I know that is unrealistic.  I can not save you, you dont want to be saved.  Yet here I am, up at 5 am writing something to you again that I do not really think you will ever read...but it feels good to get it off my chest.  Therapeutic you might say.  Maybe out of this experience, at least one of us will work through our issues, right? Even if it is me, not you.

I feel like I am making the right decision cutting you out of my life like cancer.  You are slowly sucking me into a black hole of your addictions and bad ways. I have to get out.  I got out. I am not going to let you destroy me.  I think, stress, and cry more over your problems than I do my own. I feel like you are an orphan and if I don't save you no one will. I have to just let you destroy yourself. That is what you want right? The end game? You do realize there is absolutely no other outcome to your life the way it is going, right?


PS...did you know I thought about you last night? I did. You may think I am a bitch, but you haunt my dreams.  My nightmares all stem from my fears...fears of what might happen if I cut you out of my life.  I know I need to, I know it is for the best.  I know you probably think its selfish of me, jumping on here to talk about MY feelings when we all know YOURS are all that matter right?  I am SO SORRY.  I am tired of talking about your feelings...because you do not really care about them so why should I? I want to talk about MINE.

Let's talk about that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I woke up sweating after the nightmare I had last night about you. Can we? It was one hell of a feeling, all right. Do you know what I dreamed about?  It was kind of a memory, but this time, I did not answer the phone.  I got to see what would have happened if I was not there for you.  Just like 2 weeks ago, I was laying on my couch watching TV. My phone starts going off. I ignore the first text and the first call.  I am not getting up and going across the room to the charger just to see who it is...it is 11 pm!

Now we both know what happened that night.  I got another call, got up, saw your name.  I answered to you hysterically crying about how he "did it one last time." and "this is it" and "I want to die".  You told me you just took a bunch of pills and you are in the Walmart parking lot waiting to just "go to sleep and not wake up."  I jumped up, kissed my kids sleeping in their beds, and got in my car.  I drove 75 MPH from my house in the country, ran a red light, and somehow made it to Walmart (15 minutes trip) in under 7 minutes. I hop out of my truck and run to your window.  You look up at me all pale, tears streaming down your face.  This is my friend now.  She is always sad. She hates her problems.  She deserves better.  Yet here we are, in a parking lot. I convince you to stick your finger down your throat to throw up the pills.  You did it, and kept doing it until you are crying about your throat burning and being raw. There was a bubbling blob of frothing pills and pill chunks next to your car. Gross. Your sister shows up while you are puking and we talk to you for a while, trying to calm you down and make you realize the situation. I take you home, let you get cleaned up, drink some water, and I babysat you all night.  You fell asleep while I was in the shower.  When I got out, you probably did not notice I picked your feet up and laid you on the couch.  Probably didn't notice I took your jacket off, laid you on a pillow and covered you up with a blanket. Probably did not even feel me checking your blood pressure and heartbeat...you missed my whole little freak out when I could not wake you up...at all.  Probably did not notice that I sat next to you crying, scared you were going to just die right there in your sleep, on my couch, in my living room.  You probably missed when my toddler woke up and wanted mommy to come sleep with him.  I went in there, but I could not sleep.  As soon as he fell asleep, I had to run back in there to you to make sure you were still breathing. You were sleeping, so you probably missed all that.  This is my friend. This is our relationship daily now.  This is how I am her friend.  I try to help with her problems.  She loves her problems though.

Now....can I tell you about my nightmare?  This time, when you called the second time, I got up to check it.  I saw your name on the ID...and thought to myself "It is 11 pm.  I have to work tomorrow.  She doesn't even really want my help anyway, she just goes right back.  I'll let her get through this one on her own."  So I go back to the couch and sit down.  I drank a glass of wine and wrote my Medical Terminology essay.  Curled up and went to sleep right there on the couch.

Then...I woke up to the entire living room full of headlights.  It is now 2 am...who is at my house?  Someone is beating on the door and I can hear my name "Nesha NESHA NESHA OPEN THE DOOR OMG PLEASE NESHA OPEN THE DOOR".  I walk past my phone and see 17 missed calls from your sister on my screen.

I opened the door to your sister...almost.  She was a wreck and almost unrecognizable.  She had her baby in her arms, and the other 2 in the car with her.  She was shaking so I take the baby from her.  We go sit down on the couch and I soothe them both for a second. Then she says it.

They found you. Unresponsive. In your car at Walmart.  You overdosed.  They took you to the ER but could not get your heart to restart. I just hug your sister and we rock back and forth on the couch crying not saying anything,

THIS IS MY FAULT. I DID NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. I KNOW HOW THE STORY PLAYS OUT AND IT ONLY WENT WRONG BECAUSE OF ME.  I look at the texts on my phone from you, talking about how you took all these pills, don't want to wake up.  How he doesn't love you so you don't want to live.  SO stupid.  How could I let you do this?  All I had to do was get up and go get you and it would all be ok!

THEN I WOKE UP.  It took me a whole cup of coffee to shake the eery feeling in my soul and the pit in my stomach.  You are not really dead.  You did not die that night.  I did more than my part.  I did help save you that night. So that means that next time, it will not be my fault.

We did all we could. We helped you. We got you help.  We were there for you.  We consoled, counseled, and comforted you.  This is now your own problem.  I hate to say this, but you need to hear it.

NEXT TIME, NO ONE IS GOING TO ANSWER. There. I said it.  Next time you take all those pills, trying to get attention...I will be asleep.  I will be busy. I will be too tired of letting you get in the way of my life for no reason. I will not feel like hearing the same sad story about your boyfriend again. I am going to keep watching tv until I fall asleep. I am going to find out about it later.  I am going to probably throw up and sit in the floor of my bathroom for an hour.  I am going to spend countless minutes standing in a cold shower just staring at the wall thinking about you. I am going to hold your sister and nieces while they shake and cry because they love you and you are gone FOR NO REASON.  We will all feel sick thinking about how we all were not there when you needed us.  I will watch EVERY PERSON IN YOUR LIFE blame THEIRSELF for your OD. Except you. You won't blame yourself. You will be dead. No getting better, no getting over it, nothing. Just you, dead. He will not blame himself either. He might feel bad, but really, you were crazy so it was not his fault. You took the pills, not him.  He will have a new girlfriend.  If you can see things from the other side, I hope you enjoy watching the guy you killed yourself for, living his life without you.  Smiling...without you.  Having sex with other girls, partying, drinking, working, sleeping, eating, moving on with his life...without you. You choose death over being without him.  I hope that was the right choice...since you can not change your mind.  You are just gone.  We can not hear you when you say "ya'll were right..." Even though I know, we know, you would eventually. Thats something you have to realize while you are still here.  You choose the short life of a druggie girl over a happy long life of a clean woman.  You have 99 problems, and all but like 3 of them stem from your own daily decisions.  You choose your path, it is killing you and so you claim you hate it.  We pick you up, find you a new path, and you take the first chance you have to run back to the one that was killing you!
So my biggest fear is now, that you will meet your end.  You will bring about your own demise.  I fear I will be sitting here, maybe not in the too distant future, thinking of you.  Trying to wrap my head around how I was so selfish to cut you off from my life.  How could I not just help one more time?  I am so scared that I will be so mad and so frustrated and hate you...and probably him too. Neither of you will feel responsible.  When really, you 2 are the only ones that deserve the blame.  I am scared I will have no idea what to say to your sister.  She loves you  She doesn't deserve to feel this way.  What is she supposed to say to your nieces?  Their best friend is gone. Dead. Cold. She killed herself because she was upset.

HAVE YOU EVER ONE TIME THOUGHT ABOUT US? HOW WE FEEL? Nope. Not even once.  We have not spoken in 2 days almost now, and I can not get you out of my brain.  All I do is worry, even though I have washed my hands of your entire situation.  You do not care about my feelings, so...why is it SO HARD FOR ME NOT TO CARE ABOUT YOU?

To the toxic friend...

I am so sorry. I am sorry I was not there when you needed me.  I am sorry you are in a place that makes you so sad.

Here, let me help you. Let me reach out my hand one more time...like I have time after time after time before this.  Let me get this for you...here stay with me...oh my, I am on my way...this is all I do with you.  We used to hang out, now I just help out.  You never call me to see how I am or just to chat.  You always need something.  Something is wrong.  Can I help you?

Of course. Don't I always?  All you have to do is call, right? I come running to help.  You cry and ask my opinion, I tell you.  You act like you hear me talking and my advice is getting through.

It isnt.  You crash on my couch after a fun night of listening to you cry about the same thing as last time.  You get up and head right back to the lifestyle that made you cry the night before.  I tell you its not the right idea and beg you not to.

I try to get you help.  I go out of my way, above and beyond, to help you.  I want you to be happy again.  I want you to have fun with me again.  I miss my friend... You are not her anymore.  You are just a user now.  You smile and thank me for my help then shit on it.

Now, after all I have done and said and tried to do for you, I give up.  I know it is pointless to try to help you, because you do not want to be saved.  Someone once said "Oscar lived in the trashcan, because he wanted to live in the trashcan.  They invited him out...at the end of the day...he still picked the trashcan. So he was a grouch because he lived in the trashcan...but he still picked the trash can."

You are my Oscar.  You want to stay in the trash can.  I keep cleaning you off and it is no use.  You say I do not understand.

You are right. I do not understand.  You know what I don't understand? How I am the bad guy now?  I do not want to do this anymore.  I am done.  I am no longer going to throw my time, money, and feelings into your black hole.  I have done more than my part in trying to fix your life, so I am tapping out.  Now you are mad and I am the bad friend? Why? You want to live in the trash can, so I am letting you.  I am not the one who has to smell like trash.

Dear young mom in the grocery store

I see you. Your messy bun and slip on shoes. You're new to motherhood...welcome! I hope you enjoy it here! I saw you in the parking lot struggling with the baby carrier release... ugh. I do not miss those. I was inside, getting oranges when you  dropped a bottle of milk on the floor trying to get the lid off in time before the outburst of tears...aww. You look so panicked. So forlorn. Later...I was getting frozen veggies and you walked through the frozen food aisle, slowly weaving side to side...while you steer with one hand and use the other to shake that little monkey in front of a little red face that is crying for no reason. You offered to let me go ahead of you at checkout, while you looked through your diaper bag for your wallet...been there. Your face is so red...I want to just hug you. I saw the man that pushed past you hurriedly, not bothering to notice he knocked the monkey out of your hand.
Here you go. All I can do is smile. I can see everything in your eyes in that one second as I hand you your monkey partner. Your baby has your eyes. She looks tired...So do you.
Don't give up, young momma. It's only hard for a little while. Who am I kidding? Right when you think you have it down, its brand new again. It is worth it. I promise. I hope you get all these good vibes I am sending you....

All I do is smile, and hand you the monkey. "Cute baby" "Thanks" "No problem!"

Chin up girl, you're alright. It's just grocery shopping.

Dear whoever has my first truck

To you, it's a single cab 1999 Chevy S10 that is not worth shit. Probably melted or junked by now, or someone's work truck... who knows, but...

Do you know what you have? That thing was my life. That little truck has seen at least 40,000 miles of Main Streets, and twice that many backroads. I tinted that back window myself, so we could sleep after Sloshout 03... That horn...has turned heads,gotten numbers, started fights, and even saved a life of a homeless guy about to cross the road in Houston.

I lost probably 147 pairs of sunglasses in that truck. I also lost countless earrings, homework assignments, friends, and my virginity in there.

I lost the first love of my life in that bench seat, and the father of my kid told me he loved me and kissed me for the first time there too.

I drove across the country multiple times. Rollin like a hippy kid... once with my cat and a 12" sub bumpin' Lil Flip and Weezer... actually multiple times...

I made life long bonds with people in that truck. We were too young for bars, too old to play at home. Trapped somewhere in between kid and adult, and that truck was our freedom. I could not even tell you the amount of beer drank or pot smoked in that cab...riding along down endless backroads, chasing the moon and singing along to Dashboard Confessional.

Sometimes we would just drive up to the highest points we could get to on the gas in the tank, and just sit outside on the tailgate and exist. Think about our futures. Talk about our dreams. Worry and gossip about things we have now forgotten about and were never worth the dramatic bitchfests we gave them.

I learned a lot about life in that truck. It's not just a single cab S10. It is a time capsule of my life.

You have gold. To you it might not mean anything. To me...it's a lot of memories I won't ever get back. It's yours now.

To the girl with the big pupils...

Everyone thought of at least one girl when they read that title.  You know the type... We see you...we just do not say anything usually.  We are just watching...judging.  It is probably wrong, but we can not help it.  You make it too hard not to!  We love to watch you and can not help but laugh sometimes.

We go to the gas station and see you.  Walking down every aisle in the store just to stand in line with a Mountain Dew. We watch you fidget while you wait in line... My favorite is when we get to watch you eat your shoulder. Does not even matter where it is either...still funny.  Always a good show! Or when you can not really quite figure out how to use the air pump to air up your tire.  Or when you are in the store, talking to your dealer and do not realize how loud you are talking...specially funny!!!

We see you on facebook and instagram. We scroll past your bathroom selfies from 3:46 AM. We like your year old pictures of your kids when you post them. We act like we do not see those same kids in someone else's posts...only more current because they have them every day now.  We like those pictures too!  We see your kids at ballgames, the fair, the lake, Pizza Hut. We see them... we do not see you with them though.  Never see you... Must be a fun one you're on!

We do see you though!  Your "My kids are my life" posts and your tattoos "for your kids" We smile at you when you walk past in Walmart, at least 6 times, never with anything to buy... half smiling, half chewing on the air beside your face.  We see you sitting in your car for 20 minutes before you go in the Dollar General store.  We see you buying Sudafed at the pharmacy.  We see you posting pictures with your liquor on a Tuesday, and your snap chats of you smoking blunts.  We see you.  

We judge you.

And you complain about it.  You have the nerve to complain about it. UGH

That is all I have to say. I will go to jail if I continue.

To the father of my kid who doesnt have to be a father

It must be nice.  You get to do whatever you want.  You do not have to stress about parental worries.  It must be so nice.

I sit here, planning my grocery list for the week and putting it against my budget.  I can not help but think about you.  You probably live off of $50 a week huh! Or just eat out all the time...either way it is cheaper than what I am spending! So lucky!

And OMG do you KNOW how lucky you are that you never had to buy me any diapers? I swear, I could have bought a new car with the money I have spent on diapers and pullups in my parental lifetime.  I totally see why you can not pay child support!  I spend so much on diapers and groceries, I can only imagine how much you spend on...whatever it is you spend your money on.

Do not even get me started on the milk.  I bet a gallon of milk lasts a whole week at your house! I am so jealous! I have to buy one like every 2 days...that kid of ours...loves it!

You are so lucky.  You get to go out and party with your friends, sleep all day stay up all night, live free.  Here I am, all momming and stuff.  I totally see why you wanted no part of this.  GAH it is BRUTAL.

Have you ever had to cuddle a toddler at 2 am, while the kid is hot with a fever, because their nose was so stopped up they had to prop their head on you to breathe? It is so rough.  Little bodies are like heaters. All cute and cuddling up against you, heating you up. All desperate, like I am the only thing that makes them feel better at that moment or something...only mommy. So adorable right?

What about bathing? Kids give you a whole new outlook on that. I am sure you take a long hot shower daily to get ready for your day of not giving a shit.  Me? No. I maybe get 5 minutes in the shower, and at least 1 of them I am talking to a toddler through the shower curtain.  When I finally get a kid in the bath, I have to give the kid a 20 point inspection to make sure the dirt is all gone.  You would be so surprised the places children can hide dirt.  Its disgusting really.

And let me tell you a little something about bed time. Have you ever tried to sleep with little people in your bed?  All the random arms, legs, elbows, and drool everywhere.  Terrible.  The way they cuddle up to you and say "I love you...put your arm around me please...good night mommy"...Ugh the nerve. I totally see why you stay so far away from this.

Why would you ever want to be a part of this little world? It totally makes sense.  I get why you would want to stay away and not  be a father.  I see why it is so hard to pay child support.  I see why you do not want us in your life.  This adorable, perfect, funny, smart, cuddly, amazing little person has a whole world and you want no part of it.  How strange.

Dear young single girls with no kids

I envy you. I look at you in your low cut jeans, with no mom pouch.  Your 2 door cars with no carseats and room for friends.  Your bright smiles with no idea of what lies ahead.  Just wait, dear girl, life has not even began to screw with you yet. Take for instance... it is Saturday.

You sit in your bedroom in front of a mirror, contouring and layering your face for a perfect night out with friends!  You snack on a burger, drink a screwdriver or take a few shots with your friend.  Then you peel your tightest jeans on,throw on a little crop top, tease your hair perfectly, and practice walking in those wedges before you leave the house.

Meanwhile, across town, here I am.  Sitting in my bedroom floor, cleaning a shitty diaper for the 3rd time today.  I am layering blankets on the floor, making a pallet in front of the TV to watch Oliver and Company for the 384728375629374293874982385th time, followed by a binge session of The Amazing World of Gumball.  I am snacking on a half eaten poptart, because I am too tired to get up.I have some wine in the fridge, but that is too far and I am already sitting down now and so I am drinking a CapriSun...wine will wait for when they are asleep.  My son spits his chocolate milk on me so I have to change.  I slide into my favorite baggy sweatpants, with a small hole in the crotch that doesnt matter because they dont leave the house.  I throw on a baggy crop top, actually a cut off tshirt of an old ex boyfriend that is so worn I just love it now.  My hair is in a perfect messy bun, with the perfect balance of homeless and sexy.  I just hope I can walk to the bathroom in 30 minutes without either one of these kids waking up and noticing I got up.

Count your blessings.  Go out. Get wild. Be free. Live life.  Do not let some man take your time if he does not deserve it.  Shine bright every day.  You have NOTHING holding you back and you can do ANYTHING.  If I could go back to the days when I was you...I would in a heartbeat.  Party hard while you can.  Life every day with no regrets.  Love free and hard and quickly.  Lust too much and care too little.  Cry, laugh, run, scream, jump, whatever you have to do to feel alive DO IT. Do not waste your time fighting with some guy, or dealing with friends who do you wrong.  You have got to make as much of your time you have as you can, because once it is gone you will never get it back!  All it takes is ONE TIME.  And you will suddenly have reasons why you do not want to go out on Saturday night.  You love those reasons more than anything in the world...but you can not help but wonder.  You will be sitting here, watching Gumball, thinking what did I miss out on?

I am rambling, have a good night girl.  Take a shot for me.